Numb
by RegenSayoo
Summary: Bella changes completely after Edward's departure, now living in Jacksonville. What will Edward do when he finds out about Bella's new, dangerous life? EXTREMELY OOC. RATED MATURE. STORY ON HIATUS, I DON'T KNOW FOR HOW LONG. SORRY GUYS.
1. Watching

**Another drink.**

**The alcohol burned at my mouth an d throat. I forced it down quickly and the ache slowed. **

**Numb. Always numb.**

**It always numbed the pain; it never made it go away.**

**My friends Zach and Sarah were staring deeply into a poster up on the wall; something that looked like it was out of a seriously fucked up version of Alice in Wonderland. The bag of empty mushrooms lay on the floor beside us.**

**The acid had yet to hit me; but the Malibu, vodka and Tropicana mixture had definitely worked its way through my stressed system.**

**I tried, desperately, to think of anything having to do with my drinking; my drug abuse. But, at the very beginning of my drunken stupor each night, it's all I thought about. **

**I literally felt the shreds of my heart burning inside of me; the hole that was carved deep in my chest became an inferno as I remembered the night I had first found an escape.**

**I now lived with my mother and stepfather in Jacksonville, Florida. After my life and soul was ripped from me in Forks, I wanted no reminder of the happiness that had escaped me.**

**Renee was at her new job, a superstore across town. Phil had fallen asleep early, after he had gotten home from the hospital. He had been hit by a stray ball during practice, right on the edge of the shoulder, and had a few hairline fractures. A few sleeping pills and painkillers later, he had passed out around 7.**

**I'd been watching this movie about an author with depression problems and drug abuse. The character gets addicted to some kind of prescription drug. **

**A few hours later, 11 pm exactly, I'd been up in bed, curled into a ball as I tried, and failed, to shake off my nightmare, as I heard Phil creeping to the bathroom. An idea sprang into my head just as quickly as my body sprang up, and I half-ran into Phil's bedroom, searching frantically for his bottle of pills.**

**I found them by his bedside. The bottle said Oxycodone. I didn't know anything about prescription drugs, but I didn't care.**

**I dumped three of them into my hand, screwed the lid on the bottle, and ran from his room. I got my bedroom door shut before I heard the sink turn on in the bathroom.**

**I stared at the three little white pills in my hand. They were so small, I wondered how they could do anything. Absentmindedly, with tears still pouring down my cheeks, I split one in half and swallowed it with the tea next to my bed.**

**At first, I was pissed off. Twenty minutes rolled by, and nothing had happened. I rose from my bed to get the other half of the pill from the hiding spot I had put it in.**

**Then, all of a sudden, was a sudden wave of- well- there's really no way to explain it. It was like my entire body was weightless and my mind was blank, peaceful.**

**I loved it. I reveled in it. My tears stopped.**

**By this time, I was still thinking about my discovery of drugs, but my vision was clouded with strange, unfamiliar, colorful things. One looked like an elephant, only small and thin. It was purple and yellow. I reached out to touch it, but it disappeared before my fingers could feel anything.**

**I heard a laugh beside me. Turning, I saw Sarah's eyes on me.**

"**You feel it, don't you?" She asked, a smile on her face. **

**I laughed drunkenly. "Yep." As I watched her face, it distorted right before my eyes into a vast swirl of colors, and as she spoke, her words sounded deep and sinister. I laughed again.**

**It was 1 pm, and the sun shone brightly above the abandoned park. I lay across an old wooden picnic table, my newly bleached, sunkissed blonde hair hanging off the end of the wood. I stared up at the blue, cloudless sky as I took a drag off of my cigarette. Exhaling slowly, I watched the smoke curl towards the sky.**

**It was a school day, but unbeknownst to my mother, I hadn't gone to school in three days. I really felt no need for anything anymore: besides cigarettes, drugs, drinks.. and sex.**

**I never thought of myself as a sexual person; I never really had tried to pleasure myself or thought about someone else doing it. But the substances I abused had a different plan for me.**

**Brian, my current 'boyfriend' for the day, ran his hands along my exposed stomach. I wore nothing but a brown bikini top and worn, cut-off shorts. It was, after all, 90 degrees with the baking sun straight up in the sky. **

**I stared at Brian while he dumped a small amount of coke right in the middle of my stomach. He pushed it into a line before smiling at me and snorting it quickly through a black straw.**

**I laughed at him, and leaned forward as he dumped another line of coke onto the wooden table for me. I bent down and inhaled the harsh substance. **

"**We'd better make a run for some more soon, I've only got one line left," he said as I lay back on the table. I took another drag off my cigarette.**

**Brian pulled out his small, Ziploc-bag full of weed, and laid out a piece of rolling paper. I didn't watch the whole process, as a minute into it, I'd heard something in the palm trees.**

**I shifted my head to the left, where I heard the rustling, and gasped when I caught sight of a pair of golden eyes. Before I knew it, it was gone.**

**Wondering if it was the drugs, I sat up quickly, dumbfounded. Brian eyed me suspiciously and I just waved his questions away, putting my face in my hands.**

**In the trees, a figure moved from the sunlight, his melting, golden eyes burning solid as he left the park.**


	2. Waiting

I couldn't get the sharp, golden eyes out of my head. Was it really him? Was it just my drugged out imagination? I couldn't tell, and it drove me crazy.

I lay in Brian's futon bed, a thin sheet barely covering my naked body. He lay underneath me, my head next to his neck. My head swirled, as the combination of Oxycodone, cocaine and three joints fucked with my reality.

"We've gotta go soon, that party starts at 8," Brian said, shifting underneath me to put his cigarette out. I took a hit off mine and sat up to get dressed.

"Bad Girlfriend" by Theory of a Deadman was blaring through the speakers as we walked through Zach's front door. The lights were off but there were various strobe lights and colored disco lights that were flickering across the walls and lighting up the house.

I walked with Brian to the couch where Zach, Sarah and Britni were, passing a dusted joint. They moved so we could sit.

Before I sat down, Sarah grabbed me and laughed. "Let's go get some drinks!" She said as she took my hand and stumbled her way to the kitchen.

When we got to the refrigerator and she opened it, showing me the supply. "Hm," I said, smiling at her. "Grab some Smirnoff Ice."

She smiled. "What kind?"

I grinned still as I grabbed a Smirnoff Ice Raspberry and popped off the top. She grabbed one too, and we made it back to the couch.

It was five hours, four Smirnoffs and two jello shots later, and I knew that I'd not remember anything the next morning. I could barely stand. I sat with Sarah and Zach again, since everyone else had left. We were in Zach's bedroom, watching some mindless cartoon sitcom.

There were various medical needles on the table in front of Zach, along with some rings and alcohol wipes. He turned to me. "You sure, Bell? It's not like your tongue; you can't hide it."

I nodded. He picked up a needle and wiped it off with the alcohol. He did the same with the outside of my lip. He looked at me for reassurance as he raised the needle.

Again, I nodded, barely able to realize what was going on. Before I knew it, I saw the needle through my lip. I'd felt nothing.

I watched as he removed the needle and put the ring in. I looked in the mirror.

"It's fucking hot," I said, a little bit slurred. I stuck my tongue out. "My tongue ring's hotter though." I laughed, and Zach and Sarah did too.

Sarah slid onto my lap. I stared at her. "I'm not gonna be able to kiss you, you know. It'll probably fuck up the healing process."

She laughed. "That's okay, I have other plans for you."

Her small hand slid up my black miniskirt.

It was 2 am. Renee and Phil had no idea I was gone. I got out of Zach's car, stumbling drunkenly as I shut the door and waved goodbye.

I decided that climbing through my window would probably have devastating consequences because of my current state. I opened the front door as quietly as I could.

I strode up to my room in a complete daze. When I got there, I shut the door, locked it, and dropped my purse. I put my head against the door as I flipped on the lightswitch.

I had no time to register anything, as I collapsed toward the floor and blacked out before I felt the cold arms that caught me before I hit the ground.


	3. Nostalgia and a new profession?

**Thanks for the reviews, guys! I've written soo much fanfiction but this, along with The Seductress, is my first Twilight fic. I'm glad you guys are enjoying it so far. :]**

* * *

I couldn't make sense of my surroundings; I was dazed, hung over, and everything whirled around me. I felt myself being trapped by something cold, hard- like I was covered in steel. I tried desperately to move, but I couldn't; and I fell back into blackness.

The next day, I was sure I had been dreaming. Though, I never dreamed when I passed out like that. It was strange.

My room felt different. I didn't know what it was, maybe I was just imagining things; I was still incredibly sick from the previous night's events.

After I managed to empty the contents of my stomach completely, I got into the shower and turned the water on cold. Too cold; I switched it to hot and moaned at the searing water at my skin, pressing my hands at the walls of the shower for support. I didn't know how long I stood there.

The day consisted mostly of watching TV, surfing the internet, lying in bed. Renee and Phil were gone; where, I didn't know; but I was glad to have the house to myself because I didn't want to explain to my 'parents' why I was sick.

There was nothing on TV and nothing to do. I decided to go online, but first, I wanted to play a CD. Rifling through my thick CD case, I chose a mixed disc I had made the week before.

I slowly made my way to the CD player, knowing that any quick movement would send my stomach and my head whirling. But the efforts were futile as I opened the CD player lid and saw an all-too-familiar blank, silver disc sitting inside of it. I gasped.

I closed the lid, turned the CD player on, and pressed play. As soon as the notes of the lullaby began, I was hyperventilating and my feet had failed me. I pulled my knees to my chest and cried as the lullaby continued to play in the background.

* * *

It was 8 pm and I had a date set with Sarah and her new friend Courtney. I put on a tight, strapless black top and a dark jean miniskirt that, if I bent over, would give a nice view of my ass. I didn't mind. On my feet were thin, strappy black heels.

I considered staying home, as my current emotional state was extremely torn, but I decided not to dwell on it. Besides; we'd probably be getting fucked up, and I was never one to turn that down. Especially since I was given another reminder on why I was doing these things.

Where did the CD come from? I remember very vividly the night he left; running up to my room to see if it was still there. It wasn't. How did it get back into my CD player?

This was when Sarah picked me up; I was waiting outside, near the street, smoking a cigarette. I climbed in the backseat quickly.

The night was pretty much the same as any other night; drugs, drinking, some fooling around. I was eager for it to change somehow, and as we were walking out of a bar, it did.

"Hey, honey, you wanna spend some time with me?" A low, deep voice asked from the side of the building. I looked over at the man. He was probably in his late 20's, early 30's. He was pretty good looking for his age, didn't look too scrappy with a martini in his hand. I considered his question for a moment. He wanted to pay me for sex.

"No, thanks, we're all going home," Sarah spoke for me, taking my hand and trying to pull me away. I stood my ground and smiled at the guy. "Sure." I loved sex, and the opportunity to do it for money was too interesting. That money could go for some more pills.

I waved Sarah and Courtney goodbye- they gave me a strange look, but said bye and walked away. Turning to the man, I walked towards him as seductively as I could, giving him my best performance as I spoke. "Why don't we find somewhere more private to negotiate, huh?" I practically moaned the words. He seemed to enjoy it a lot more than I'd planned as he put his arm on my bare waist, motioning me forward.

As we walked toward the motel, I learned that his name was Sebastian. He was 28, and married. I laughed at this, but didn't feel any remorse.

We walked into the shabby motel, still talking, as he asked me about myself. I lied to him and told him I was 21, as I did meet him outside of a bar.

Sebastian pulled off his shoes as he sat on the bed, and motioned for me to join him. I sat down in the space next to him hesitantly. He stared at me like a predator eyeing his prey as he brushed my hair back behind my shoulder.

I took control then, pushing him back onto the bed and straddling his hips. I moaned as we ground our still-clothed hips together, the friction getting me wet. "You like that, baby?" I said huskily, my hands running up and down his chest underneath his shirt. He didn't reply, he just slipped off my top and grabbed my hair, pulling my lips to his.

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the sex with him; he knew a lot more on how to please a girl than the teenaged boys I usually slept with. Soon, I was riding wildly on top of him, multiple orgasms racking my body.

This time, I was completely unaware of the golden gaze that watched me have sex with this stranger. Even after we were done and Sebastian handed me two hundred dollars, I never saw the shape that practically flew away as we walked out of the motel room. I said goodbye and gave him a kiss, walking toward my home without a second glance back to what I had just done.


End file.
